FOR SOMEBODY WHO HAS ALWAYS LOVED ME AS A LITTLE BOY: To Bianca on our 1st anniversary

As far as I can remember, I’m fond of daydreaming. Ever since I was a toddler, my mind always drifts off somewhere. I don’t know if it’s ever considered normal to have daydreams as often as I have them…anyway, I still have that odd habit until now. You might say I have a very wild imagination, thanks to the television. I’m not very fond of books (although I read when I’m not lazy which is a very rare occasion). Why read if you can watch them? Wicked TV, made me an addict. I love TV so much I watch even the TV. Guide channel. I curse the day my parents banned me from watching TV on weekdays! Now back to daydreaming. What are daydreams anyway? Is it a desperate attempt to escape from reality?
Maybe it’s also the main reason why I love toys.

I love making Wolverine, Lone Ranger, and Rambo fight against each other in our sofa as a little boy. I feel like crying when I receive a gift that feels soft. Why do people give clothes as gift to kids? Don’t they know kids don’t appreciate them? When I was a little boy, every time I ask my parents to buy me a toy (which is most of the time an action figure by the way), they always answer back: “na-out grow mo na yang mga laruan na yan.” That’s why until now, toys are my frustration.

When I was in kinder, I didn’t like school. I cried on my first day at school. And on my second day. And on my third. I told myself back then that once I finish college, I’m going to stop going to school. Now here I am taking up nursing as a second course. Am I childish? I don’t know. Maybe I am. I hate being a grown up. Growing up means having more problems. What’s my point?

Last June 14 I just turned 21. I don’t feel like I’m 21 and I don’t look like I’m 21. It was just like any other day. I drove my mom to her appointment, and then we ate lunch, got home, did some errands, went to church, ate dinner, and so on and so forth. That night, I couldn’t sleep. As usual I don’t know why. Maybe it was because I was thinking about a lot of things. God, I’m already 21. Some people my age already has a family…and a job. Then, I suddenly remembered that I have a lot of things to be thankful for. I am thankful for having a girlfriend. It was one year ago when I received a phone call just minutes before June 14 ended. So this is how it feels like to have a girlfriend. For me, starting that day, I always felt that somebody is connected to me. It’s like I have a twin somewhere. Argh…I can’t explain it. It’s like I am bonded to somebody; I feel attached anywhere I go. I am so madly in love with my girlfriend.

Last June 14, I was reminiscing of the so many days we have been together. No, our relationship is not perfect. There’s no such thing. I don’t care how many times we argued about not seeing each other, about me not replying immediately to her text or about missing a movie. I just love her. So what does this have to do with daydreams? Well as I told you earlier I couldn’t sleep. So I went outside and sat on our garage. The sky was empty. I was disappointed not to see any stars that night. Then I started thinking of how old I already, I’m already 21. My mind started to drift. Have I done something wrong in the past? Did I make a wrong decision somewhere in my life? Then I had this imagined: God would make me go back to being a 6 year old boy. But, he was going to make my memory intact so I could remake my life over again. Then something struck me. Where would my Bianca be? I thought hey, I could try to contact her, find her phone number or something. But what was I going to say? “Hi it’s me, Batchoy, your future boyfriend! You love me and I love you.” Nope, that won’t work. Maybe I’ll just have to wait until I meet her then. What, like wait for 18 years and court her again?! But then I thought what if something happens and we didn’t meet. Where was I going to find her? Cebu? Davao? That’s when I started to feel a lump on my throat and a tear in my eye. Stupid sentimental boy. It was a daydream. But you know what? It was a reality check for me. I realized I was too busy looking for the mistakes I had done in my life, I couldn’t accept the fact that I am growing up…that I was no longer a boy. I realized have so much to be thankful for. Surprisingly I felt sleepy at last. I got up and went back to bed. I lied down comfortably then suddenly just before I slept I remembered something, I reached for my cellphone and stared at the picture that made me happy since June 14, 2005.